I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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