Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
