I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
