at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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