Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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