the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
