i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
i believe in u and ur pee
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
