Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
