Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
