I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
