Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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