dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
