I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
