Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
