Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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