you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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