Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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