someone threw a dead crab at me
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
did i walk over a car last night?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
