I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
