According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
