Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
