I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i've created a new STD.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
