being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize