watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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