6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
