mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
