"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
