apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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