Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize