I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
