He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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