we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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