Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
