the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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