she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
