I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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