Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
