I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
sarcasm needs its own font
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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