God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
