So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
