I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
