Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
