I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
