Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
