i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
