My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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