Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize