i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
No subtext here. People are naked.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
