I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize