i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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