I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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