I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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