I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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