My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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