Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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