Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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