i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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