if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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