so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
