Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
