I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
