oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize