I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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