he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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